Bratinella
Ate Mimi invited her daughter to come with her to Robinson’s Imus to buy stuff. But Aki, the daughter, immediately cried, “Mama! Pagtatawanan ako sa Robinson’s! Huhuhu!”
Consfused, my ate asks her daughter, “Bakit?!”
“Eh kasi, huhu, naka-pajama pa ako! Huhuhu!”
<Artistahin>
Red Room
Ate Richie gave us the priviledge to choose the color of our choice for our bedrooms. After a very deep thought about it I’ve finally came to the conclusion to put RED (Inspired by Mr Big’s red room in S&C). I chose a Rich Red Color (almost maroonish).
While painting, the paintor (the guy who paints) asked my mom, “Mahilig ho ba sa Beerhouse ang anak n’yo?”
Schedule Module
“Kuya, tuwing kelan ka sa Banco De Oro sa labas? Eh sa loob (ng SM Dasma)?”
“M-W-F ako sa loob, T-TH ako sa labas.”
While counting in her fingers MWF and TTH, she answered “Ah! Eh di tama lang, parehong tig-tatlo.”
“Oh? May ‘H’ bang araw?”
“Ay oo nga!”
Pilosopiya ni Lola Pinang
My Maternal Grandmother, Lola Pinang, was aked by one of our maids, “Nay, bakit n’yo po sinasawsaw ang pandesal sa kape?”
My lola being a joker herself answered, “Para mapagpag ang alikabok (bread crumbs) bago ko kainin.”
“Eh bakit n’yo po iniinom ang pinaglinisan?”
Oo nga naman.
Christmas Spirit
We really felt Christmas this year. You may ask how me and my family celebrated the birth of Christ? Well! We went to the beach! Christmassy indeed!
“Ngayon lang natin i-ce-celebrate ang pasko sa labas ng bahay natin.”, nanay said during the long drive.
Tatay immediately interrupted, “I-in short mo na!” (Inshort, magtatago!)
Patawad
I laughed at Joy’s text message last night:
“Nkakatawa ung mga batang nagangaroling sa kalye. May iq cla.Kanta nla ganito ‘sa my kotse ang aming bati’ hahaha nkakaaliw!”
Funny Bank Moment # 3
A client enters the jam-packed branch (new bills exchange, withdrawals) with her son. She was carrying a lot of bags (Christmas Shopping, I guess) and told her son, “Jun, upo ka muna” pointing to the chair. Then she suddenly realized and asked her son, “Nasan si Totoy?” and ran outside and screamed, “Totoy!? Totoy?!” Ria, a branch Marketing Assistant said to me, “Nagkakawalaan na ng anak.”
PGMA on Forbidden Questions
This is how I imagined it:
Mo: Good morning to everyone, back on forbidden questions with madam president Gloria Macapagal Arroyo. Where are we?
Andy9: We’re at number 15.
Mojo Jojo: The president answered the gay senator, the lesbian congresswoman and the Cabinet members who had sex with their secretaries and Mike’s favorite position in bed.
PGMA: O may Gad! I feel like there will be a rally later in EDSA.
Mo: Don’t worry madam; we’ll be here for you. Ok! Number 16: What country has a ‘feeling close’ relation with the Philippines?
PGMA: My gudness, Mo, all of our ambassadors are listening right now.
Mo: Come on ma’am, this is an easy question.
PGMA: <Inhales hardly> Cuba. (The guys on the studio are now screaming!)
Mo: Oh man! No you did not just say Cuba. Whoa! Man! My goodness! Ok! Good answer mam! Good times! Good times. Next question?
Andy9: Number 16.
Mo: Which Nationality has the worst body odor?
PGMA: That’s a hard question.
Mo: You can tap out on this question.
Mojo Jojo: You can answer this madam president! Don’t fail the Filipino People.
PGMA: Ok! Uhm… BO Country? BO Country? Hmmm…
Mo: You’re still with PGMA on Forbidden Questions.
PGMA: Ok! This is a safe answer since they all smell alike and they are the country that I’m least close with… the people of Maldives. Hehe.
Mo: Really? Wow! Ok next question.
Andy9: Number 17.
Mo: If you could say these lines to a department, to whom will you say this? ‘Since your department is not really needed, we will dissolve this asap.’
PGMA: Oh! That’s easy. MTRCB. Dey keep on banning these really good movies. And La Guardia just wants to be sikat just like the artistas, no?
Mo: Ok next question at number 18…
For Petition
I asked my dad, “’Tay, bakit namamayat si Kulot?” By the way Kulot is your typical tambay sa kanto.
“Nag-da-drugs yata yun,” replied my dad.
Satisfied with his answer, I answered, “Ah, siguro nga.”
“Ipepetisyon na ng tatay nya yan, eh,” added Tatay.
Dumbfounded, I asked, “Na’san ba ang tatay nya?”
“Patay na.”
Driving Under the Influence
Nanay really wanted to go home from ate Richie’s condo unit in Pasig so even though it was number coding for the revo she and Tem still took the chance of passing thru C5, Villamor, Airport Road, Roxas and Coastal Road without being caught. Unluckily at Villamor, a traffic policeman caught them.
“Tem, itigil mo.”
“Nay, sabi ko sa inyo wag tayo dito dumaan eh.” Says my sister.
“Ako bahala, ayan na!” Nanay to Tem as Tem opens the window for the traffic police. At this point nanay immediately took a deep breath.
“Chief, <coughs> pasensya na ho. Kailangan ko ho talagang umuwi sa Cavite para kunin ang gamot ko.” Says nanay while faking <and really faking> a cough.
“Naku mam, Hwebes po ngayon, bawal po ang sasakyan nyo lumabas.” the man of the law points out while not being pushy.
“Inaatake po kasi ako <coughs> ng high blood ko, naiwan ko ang gamot ko sa Imus.” nanay continuing as Tem acts worried.
“Ganun ho ba?” Asks the police.
“Oho, pasensya na ho, next time ho ibang sasakyan ang gagamitin namin.”
“O sige ho, ingat na lang.” Waves Mr. Policeman.
Tem drove off quickly while laughing at Nanay’s FAMAS Performance: From healthy to sick mom in just a matter of 1 second (time of opening a car window).
Commercial
In the house we love to play UNAHAN SA COMMERCIAL game. This is where the players try to scream the brand or show that is being plugged during commercial breaks. The usual consequence given to the loser was to receive a pitik sa kamao from the winner. Last night, my niece, Sam, suggested to her Tita Tem the loser be kicked in the chest (sipain sa suso were Sam’s exact words). Ayun! Nagsipaan sila! Sa boobs.
Shower
Scenario: Me taking a shower, my sister on the other side of the bathroom door.
Tem: Kuya!?
Me: Bakit?
T: Papadeliver kami sa Pizza Hut. Ano gusto mo?
M: Kahit ano, Hawaiian Pizza siguro. Masarap din chicken saka potato chips.
T: Sabi ng nanay ikaw daw magbayad!
M: (no reply)
T: Kuya?!
M: (still no reply)
T: Kuya?!
M: Tem? Baket? Naliligo ako!
T: Ikaw raw magbabayad!
M: Ha? Di kita marinig! Naliligo ako!
T: Kuya! Oorder kami sa Pizza Hut! Ikaw magbabayad!
M: Di ko marinig! Naliligo ako! Matagal pa ako dito!
T: (now forcefully screams at the door so that I could hear) Sumagot ka! Ikaw magbabayad!
M: Tem, mamaya na! Di talaga kita marinig! Umaandar ang shower! Di kita dinig!
T: (Now talking to someone outside the door) Kunin mo yung susi ng CR.
T: Kuya! Pag di ka sumagot! Bubuksan ko tong pinto!
M: Bwisit ka! Oo na. Ako na magbabayad!
Toilet Humor
Just when I was about to go to sleep, a loud knock on my door plus a deafening scream, “KUYA! TOILET SEAT!”
I thought only married couples encounter this problem but I guess it can be added on the family feud list. It’s the same thing everyday. I put the toilet seat up and she puts it down. My sister kept all of her anger inside but she boiled up one night screaming at my door. Me being the cool dude that I am simply replied, “ok.”
The next night while watching TV together, I suddenly screamed in the middle of the commercial break, “YUNG TOILET SEAT! ITAAS MO PAGKA GAMIT MO!” Then she jokingly punched me and said “IKAW! NAKAKAINIS KA NA! MAJORITY KAMI DITO SA CR SA TAAS! LIMA KAMING BABAE, ISA KA LANG!” I immediately fought back, “SENIORITY DITO! NAUNA AKONG PINANGANAK!” Angered by my great wit, she screamed, “TUMIGIL KA! NAKABABA TALAGA YUN PALAGI, PAGKAGAMIT MO IBABA MO!” By this time our audience (the kids and their yaya) are having a good laugh. I said, “BINILI NATIN YUNG INODORO NAKATAAS ANG TOILET SEAT!” Nice one Orlee, then I added, “SAKA PAG NILINIS NI ATE MILA (maid) YUN, NAKATAAS YUN! PINAPATULO NYA PARA MATUYO!” she smiled a little and screamed “HINDI PO! PAG NILINIS NI ATE MILA YUN, BINABABA NYA ANG INDORO PARA PUNASAN.” Nasty words were exchanged and eventually the winner was declared.
After the ‘big fight’ over the toilet seat, the loser should see to it to put back the toilet seat to its previous position after use. I see to it that I always put it down after I pee.
Boob Tube
Mike Enriquez. Two words that may’ve not meant anything at all 10 years ago but is now a respected and well known news anchor.
Sam Milby. Two years ago, he was not even a household name.
I just have a comment for each of them (watching their respective shows tonight, while waiting for Amazing Race Asia): I really hate it when there’s is a new news clipping from abroad then Mike narates the clip: “Ayan po Oh! Tingnan n’yo.” As if we are not looking at the TV. “Nakita n’yo yun?” It’s as if he is lifting the TV and wants to rub it on our faces. I wanna say “Yes Mike, I saw it. I saw the man hit by the car. Who could miss it?”
And about Sam? He just walks awkwardly as if his head is not attached to his body. “It won’t fall off SAM!”
Funny Bank Moment #2
A Client (man) approached me in the Marketing Area of the Bank. He was wearing a simple t-shirt, a cap, in jeans and has a backpack (he’s going for the middle class look). He then asked me in a very silent voice (almost a whisper),
Client: Sir, ano po ang requirements pag nagbukas ng account?
Then I told him everything needed and all the details about opening an account.
Client: Sir, pwede ba na ipambayad ang ATM?
M: Saan po sir?
C: Sa Maynila po.
M: Sir, saan po sa Maynila?
C: Eh kung sa internet po?
M: Ano po sa Internet?
C: Ipambayad ang ATM? May charge ba yun?
M: Ipambabayad nyo po ang Savings account sa Internet account n’yo, sir?
C: Hindi po. Kung halimbawa po sa Maynilad?
M: Ah, ipangbabayad nyo po sa Maynilad ang account nyo? Sa tubig po?
C: Ay hindi po, sa Maynila po. May charge po ba?
M: Ah, kung magdedeposit po kayo outside Cavite may Php 50 charge po, pero kung within Cavite pwede po kayong magdeposit at any BDO Branches, Talon, Pamplona, Molino, Bacoor, Imus…
C: Hindi po, kung ipamababayad ang ATM?
M: Ang alin po sir?
C: Kung pwede ba ipambayad ang ATM?
M: Pwede po, sir, basta po accepted ang aming card sa establishment pwede po yung ipambayad.
C: May Charge po ba?
M: Wala po sir.
C: Pero pwede I-enroll sa Internet?
M: Pwede sir, punta lang po kayo sa mybdo.com tapos may fifill apan lang kayo dun sir. Then, forward the application to us.
C: Hindi ba pwedeng ibawas na lang yun sa account ko?
M: Ang alin sir?
C: Yung bibilhin ko?
M: Ano pong bibilhin nyo?
C: Yung sa Smart Card (Loading card for smart pre paid)
M: Hindi po sir. (He then left immediately after the discussion)
After the long discussion, the client was just inquiring if the payment for his Smart Card could be auto deducted from his ATM account. I felt I made a big help trying to explain all of that to the client, but Shari said the same set of questions were asked to her by that same client just before I sat in her area in marketing. Looney!
