Remote Emote
The TV Remote finally reached its breaking point. It was dropped constantly so it finally broke.
After searching for ways to make it still work, Ponette finally discovered that if you point the remote within an inch range (take note: an inch) it will work.
Ponette said to her lolo, my father, “Lo, pag tinapat mo yung remote sa TV, gagana pa rin.”
Tatay tried it and switched the channels. He was waiting for the Pacquiao-Diaz fight in Channel 12 but it was a commercial break so it was ok to try the remote on his favorite channels: 20, 26, 37 and 78.
At channel 78, the remote stopped working, tatay realized that he has to manually switch the channel from channel 78 downward (and the commercial break in his boxing might be over). He screamed, “Putangina! Danglayo ng channel!” while pressing the channel down button.
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See Also Thank God for Manny, Singing Bee One Million Peso Song, Bold Movies
Typhoon Frank Digital Film Festival
During the weekend of Typhoon Frank, I was stuck at home with my nieces. What better way to spend time with them but teach them how to do the ‘Exorcism Walk‘.
After showing it to them, Ponette challenged to race me. (Just click the links).
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See also Sagada Experience 7: Narrate Debate, Road Runner Orlee
Healthy Sisig Please?
Roda, Warren and I decided to cap the day off, from our Insurance Training in Makati, with a 2 rounds of beer at the nearby Chili Peppers Bar in Valero Avenue.
Upon ordering, Warrenasked the waiter, “Boss, ano pinagkaiba ng Crispy Sisig at Pork Sisig?”
“Yung Crispy Sisig po Pork Sisig din pero may balat ng baboy atsaka may mayonnaise na halo,” the waiter answered.
Warren thought for a moment and answered, “Sige Pork Sisig na lang. Conscious ako sa health ko eh.”
“Di nga?!” I answered, “Sisig kaya eh mataba rin! Pareho lang ‘yun!”
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See also Tight!, Roda’s Punch Lines 2
Sixteen Thousand
I was tutoring my niece, Samantha, in her Grade 4 Math assignment. It was about rounding off to the nearest hundres / thousands / millions.
I already thought her the basic rounding off when my mother, Sam’s grandmother, overheard me asking Sam, “Oh, Sam, ano ang gitna ng 16,150 at 16,160?”
“Ha!?” Nanay screamed, “Ano yang tinuturo mo kay Sam? Napakalaki naman n’yan! Grade four ako hangang 100 pa lang ata ang numbers namin! 16,150? Eh ‘di 8 thousand…”
“Hindi, Nay!,” I cut her short, “Rounding off lang kami, hindi division. Hahaha! Analaki naman ng sixteen thousand para sa grade four.”
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See also Mathematechnic, Action Packed Mathematics, Sam’s Quiz
In Ten Years
“Where will you be ten years from now?” the trainer asked yesterday in the Region 6 Product Positioning Training.
Sample answers were: “I’ll have my own business”; “I’ll be retired already”; “I’ll be earning my Millions”; “I’ll settle down.”
When it was my turn, I answered, “Still an FA (Financial Advisor),” with pride.
Everybody laughed and the trainer addressed the group, “’Di ba dapat mas mataas sa katayuan natin ngayon ang in-na-eye natin?”
I answered, “Senior FA!”
Someone commented, “Talagang Loyal? Di man lang nagging Area Manager?” while laughing.
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See also Promotion, Top FA, Funny Bank Moment #17: This Year’s Orlee
Excuse My Japanese
Sam and Paula know basic Japanese words, but their basic knowledge limits them from asking specific things that they want.
Last month, when they were still in Japan, they’ve decided to rent a DVD in the nearby Video House. They’ve decided to rent M. Shyamalan’s Lady in the Water. They know the words ‘Onna’ which means Lady / Woman / Girl because they knew the basic Japanese for Male and Female and ‘Mizu’ because this is what they ask for from the waiters in Japan if they want to order water, “Sumimasen! Mizu Desu?” (Excuse me, water please?”)
Sam asked from the Japanese Personnel, “Mizu-Onna?…”
The Japanese Personnel got confused because apparently Mizu meant ‘Drinking Water’. They were renting “Lady in the Drinking Water.”
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See also Just In Case, Cheese
Master
During one tropa get together, Jessie asked us, “Kamusta yung pag-aaral ni Arlyn?”
Joy recently passed her Masteral Thesis, her last subject, so she answered, “Ayun! Malapit na tayong magkaroon ng Lawyer! Tapos may Masters na rin tayo!”
Talk about conceitedness.
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See also Choose a Laughter, Catholic Girls, Arlyn Nobleza: Dakilang Tagatawad
Marvin’s Mercury Drug Battle
Gee Ann, my cousin, asked her friend, Marvin, to buy her prescription medicines from Mercury Drug. Unfortunately, she misspelled Neuro by switching e and u.
The Mercury Drug personnel told him, “Sir, wala pong Nuero dito.”
“Hindi, Miss,” Marvin insisted, “Nuero talaga yan. Nu-we-ro. Dito yan binili.”
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See also Spell Keith Ledger, Inside the Mind of a Wacko, Beware of Rapists
Beware of Rapists
Barbie, Tem’s flamboyant gay friend was one of my sister’s guest last night in her birthday party.
She was given a caution by my sister, “Barbie, may rapist d’yan sa labas.”
She stood up and said, “Uwi na ako,” while smiling.
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See also Someone’s Got a Crush on You, Clowning Around
Gokongwei-Pe Speech Gone Wild
Freida forwarded an email about the Robina Gokongwei-Pe speech to the UP School of Economics. Then we discussed (thru email) our thoughts and reactions about the speech.
We discussed about how Gen Y hops from one company to another. Then the Robina-snake-twin-who-traps-pretty-girls-inside-dressing rooms came up and Freida told her thoughts about it:
“Narining ko na ‘yun, and that’s exactly the reason why we were avoiding Galleria. One of my Aunts kasi had a story na, obviously pinasa lang din sa kanya, na sa mga fitting rooms daw ng mall e bigla na lang mag-oopen ‘yung floor lalo na kung maganda ‘yung nandun to serve as the snake’s food daw. Then nung time na wala na talagang choice at nagpunta rin kami ng family ko dun, sobrang paranoid ako habang naglalakad kasi baka pagstep ko sa mga tiles e biglang bumukas. Haay…stories talaga nun.”
Here’s my reaction to her email:
“Fri-fri, gaya nga ng sabi ni Gokongwei-Pe. Pretty girls lang yung kinukuha ng snake, bakit napaparanoid ang tita mo? Pretty ba sya? Tapos ikaw napaparanoid ka rin parang sobrang aminado ka talaga na kukunin ka ng snake.”
It didn’t stop there, here’s her reply:
“Actually, di ako pretty, beautiful ako e. Kasi kung pretty ang description ko sa sarili ko, parang all looks lang, walang brains. Duh! Di naman ako puro looks lang. hehehehehe.”
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See also Voice Over, Crush-Me-a-Tarsier, Favorite Forwarded E-mail
Inside the Mind of A Wacko
From Candido’s Point of View…
Scene: (The former) Landmark Imus Van Terminal
Thoughts: “Aba! Kuya ni Roxane yun ah! Wow! Nagbabasa ng pocketbook. Nerd.”
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Next scene: Inside the van with the lights on.
Thoughts: “Nagbabasa pa rin? Pano kaya pag pinatay ang ilaw?”
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Next scene: Lights inside the van was turned off.
Thoughts: “Ha! Pinatay na ang ilaw! Pano ka ngayon magbabasa!”
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Next scene: Orlee gets his book penlight.
Thoughts: “What a nerd! May sariling ilaw?!”
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Last scene: Orlee finally closes the book and picked his nose.
Thoughts: “Yuck! Nangungulangot in public!”
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See also Astigmatism
The Curious Incident of the Chocolate in the Daytime
The chocolates from Japan were all gone and they knew who to blame: ME. I was tagged as Pacman in our household because no treats escape my sweet tooth. Lahat ubos.
“Nasaan na yung chocolates?” Tem asked.
“Ewan ko, madami pa yan kanina,” Paula answered.
“Baka inubos ni Batman!” answered Aki, where she was meaning to say Pacman.
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See also Narnia and That Other Disney Cartoon, Thank God for Manny, Gossip Boy
Chona vs Nini
“Ms. Cho, pa-sign?” Nini asked Chona.
It was a deposit of Php 200,000 of client to a Time Deposit and a withdrawal of Php 100,000 from the client’s Savings account.
Chona assumed the remaining Php 100,000 would come from the client so she asked, “Ni, yung Php 100,000 cash manggagaling sa client?”
“Ay hindi po, Ms. Cho,” Nini answered, “Yung Php 100,000 po withdrawal sa Savings n’ya tapos yung remaining na Php 100,000 i-ka-cash ng client.”
Chona took a deep breath and answered, “Ano bang sinabi ko? Parang yan din yung kanta eh. Iniba mo lang yung tono pero yun din ang ibig kong sabihin.”
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See also All This Time, Action Packed Mathematics, Sam Milby vs Orlee Baldedara
Favorite Forwarded Text Message
I laughed at this text message I received last Saturday from Dennyson, my choirmate:
Example ng mga hindi tamang sagot sa maayos na tanong:
Kumain ka na?
-Busog pa ako.
Anjan ba nanay mo?
-Bakit po?
Anong oras klase mo?
-Mamaya.
San kau galing, tol?
-Nag-stroll lang, tol.
Pano mo ginawa yan?
-Madali lang.
Bakit ka wala kahapon?
-Absent ako.
Anong oras na?
-Maaga pa!
San ka na?
-Papunta na.
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See also Favorite TV Shows, Patawad, Offertory
Crush-Me-a-Tarsier
Freida went to Bohol last weekend. I had nothing in mind from there but I’ve always had this curious fetish of crushing a live Tarsier so I asked her, “Fri-fri (that’s what I call her), can you crush (squish) a tarsier for me?”
She said it was weird but she’ll try.
After she came back, she bore the news that she wasn’t able to crush one for me, “Endangered species na kasi sila, baka makulong ako. Kahit pinanlalakihan n’ya pa ako ng mata, ‘di ko sya pwedeng pisain.”
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See also Choose a Laughter, Voice Over, Tease Me
