Nose Bled

Worried about my health, I called up my sister, “Tem! Bakit ganun? Panay dugo ng ilong ko?”

“Kuya ganun talaga,” she explains, “Nung nasa Japan ako ganun din ako. Kasi paiba na yung panahon kaya dumudugo ang ilong mo. Pa-winter na. Lumalamig na.”

“Aaaahhhh,” I exclaimed, “Akala ko naman natutunaw na ang utak ko sa sobrang kaka-English.”

Kombert

“Bakit ka ba convert ng convert?!” Ronald asked, irritated that I kept on converting prices here in Dubai.

“Eh bakit ba!?” I answered.

“Mukha lang akong mayaman kasi magaling ako pumorma pero mahirap lang kami,” I continued humbly.

Stinker

“Kanino bang paa ‘yun? Ang baho!” I asked Ronald and Rommel.

They smelled each others feet and looked at me, “Ikaw ‘yun eh!”

“Ah sa akin ba ‘yun?” I laughed, “sorry ah! Wala kasi akong brown pants.”

“Huh?” they asked me, “teka! teka! Mabaho paa mo kasi wala kang brown pants?”

I laughed and explained: “Kasi dalawa ang sapatos ko. Brown saka black. Eh di ko masuot ang brown kasi ‘di bagay sa black pants. Eh may study na kapag alternate ang suot mo ng sapatos, ‘di babaho kasi napapahinga ang sapatos.”

They bought it and that same night, we bought my first Dubai brown pants.

Aki Update

Thiking about my nieces, I called up nanay and asked, “Nay, kamusta mga pamangkin ko d’yan?”
“Naku! Si Aki nakalunok ng butones!”
…I really miss that kid.

…Never the Bride

Zinnia threw a staple wire to me.

Freida had a bitch fit.

Agnes cursed me.

They don’t personally know each other but their reactions are the same.

When they told me that they had been a bridesmaid, I jokingly answered, “Always a bridesmaid…”

What? Why? What did I say?

The Problem with Star Cinema and POEA

In our flat, we decided that Saturday Nights are Tagalog Movie Nights. Last week we saw ‘A Very Special Love‘. DJ muttered, “Yuck! 5 guys! Watching John Lloyd and Sarah? Eeewww…”

Last night we saw ‘Caregiver’.

I just realized that Star Cinema’s OFWs don’t save much. Look:

Sharon in Caregiver: Uuwi tayo ng Pilipinas?! Wala tayong naipon! Anong sasabihin natin sa kanila? Anong ginawa natin sa London? Nagpa-picture?

John Lloyd to Aga in Dubai: Kuya! Eto lang naipon mo? Antagal mo na dito sa Dubai ah!

Claudine (on Vilma) in Anak: Aalis nanaman ‘yan? Wala nanamang pera? Hayaan n’yo ‘pag hindi lang bukas-bukas eh nanay nanaman ang tawag ni Daday kay Ate Norma.

Piolo to Claudine in Milan: Bellisima Jenny. (Can’t remember any line from Milan)

Anyway, my point is: What hell Star Cinema? Wala bang masinop na OFW sa mga movies n’yo? Nakakadepress naman na ‘di sila makaipon! Syet. Nakaka-pressure.

Funny Bank Moment # 18: Double Meaning

After I resigned from BDO. I thought I’ll say goodbye to my Funny Bank Moments. Since I’ll be living with bank employees here in Dubai, my FBM will now be about their own FBM’s. Duboi will be just a mere observer. It’ll start from here. FUNNY BANK MOMENT # 18:

Bing and Julius, my Dubai friends, works for RAK Bank as Tellers for the Core-Banking Division. This simply means that they are reserved tellers for the whole area.

It is inevitable that they’ll be moved from one branch to another. They are currently assigned in Deira Branch. Bing is becoming at ease in the branch and has decided that she doesn’t want to be moved out.

One other branch needed another teller. Since Bing and Julius are the reserved tellers for the area, it was decided that Bing will be ‘borrowed’ for a few weeks.

She was hesitant and said, “Huwag n’yo akong galawin!… Babae ako… Si Julius na lang ang galawin n’yo, lalaki s’ya.”

Slow Reader

Because books are expensive here in Dubai, I’ve decided to take the maximum time reading it.

One page per day.

One book per month.

I told Estella, “Parang beer ‘yan na sobrang mahal. Dapat isang bote palang lasing na lasing ka na!”

Ramadan Postscript

My sister and I went to the mall, Dubai Festival City, last September 5, it was the peak of Ramadan. No one is allowed to smoke, drink and EAT in public. We went there to buy some personal stuff from Ikea.

This was also the day that I moved my stuff from the hotel to the flat. We did this early in the morning so that we could get things done earlier. We weren’t able to eat even breakfast.

We were so tired and hungry so she decided to eat in the food court. We decided on Burger King. While queing on line I told her, “Tem, sigurado ka ba?”

“Oo, kuya,” she affirmed, pointing the woman with kids, “Tignan mo ‘yung babae kumakain.”

“Pero may anak s’ya,” I anwered, “exempted ang buntis saka mga bata sa fasting nila.”

“Kunyari buntis nalang ako,” she answered.

We were about to bite on our burgers - nervously, BTW, you could get imprisoned for eating in public and the local people have the right to act violently if they felt insulted, so you could imagine our nerves.

After the first bite, a mall policeman, approached us, “No-no, you cannot eat that here.”

We immediately packed it and walked around the mall with our one-bite BK Sandwiches.

We were tired, sleepy, thirsty and hungry then add a bag of BK that we can’t eat. Ramadan Kareem to you too!!!

Hang (Ain’t) Over

I told the gang, “Mga pare, di ko na talaga kaya. Una na akong matulog,” in the middle of the ‘inuman session’.

The next morning, after everybody woke up, I asked Jules, “Pare, anong oras na kayo natapos kagabi?”

Julius answered, “Anong tapos? Gising na lahat, tuloy na ulit.”

Talk is Cheap

Because of the lack of old friends and the affordability of local phone calls here in Dubai, Che-che and I maximize our air time - even if we have nothing to talk about:

Che: Hello, Orlee?

Me: Che! Kamusta?

Che: Eto mabuti. Ikaw?

Me: Ayus lang.

Che: Bukas ulit?

Me: Sige ako naman tatawag.

DJ Chico Garcia’s Blog

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I’m a big fan of the Morning Rush. Too bad I can’t listen to Chico and Delamar’s Radio Morning Show anymore. Thank goodness Chico maintains (and collects) his Daily Top Ten in his blog. I was contemplating which entry I would finally feature in my blog and I’ve decided the one about Pinoy Movies. Big cliche and I can’t stop myself laughing while I’m in my cubicle reading it. Good thing my Indian Boss was late. Anyway here is the entry: Best and the Rest 71…

I was a big fan of Pinoy movies way back in the 80’s when I was in high school.  I remember sneaking into  theaters showing R-rated movies just to be able to watch films like “Batch 81″ and “Oro, Plata, Mata”.  But somehow, as the years went by, I’ve been quite disappointed at the direction local movies were going.  I don’t know now, with the advent of the local indie films, so maybe I should start watching again…

June 5, 2008 → The Top Ten Signs That You’re Watching A Pinoy Movie - Loi Pogi

  1. Silven -Kapag yung sound effect ng suntukan, parang pakwan na dini-dribble.
  2. MUARISSA - Yung kontrabida yayakap sa bida, sabay taas ng kilay at ngingisi.
  3. Jedi Mstr/Frenchboy - In a Pinoy cowboy movie, when the bida is shootng at the indians, he never runs out of bullets. But once it’s the contrabida, he suddenly runs out of bullets so they have to have a fist fight!
  4. Ibyang - Pag may magkaribal na babae, yung mabait diretcho ang buhok at may bangs. Yung salbahe, laging kulot.
  5. John Rich/Shark - Sa pinoy action movies, ang bida hindi nauubusan ng bala.
  6. John Rich - Sa pinoy action movies, kapag tumakbo ang bida, sa lupa lahat ang tama ng bala ng kalaban.
  7. No name - Kapag may angry mob na pupunta sa bahaykubo ng manananggal, si Vangie Labalan ang laging lider.
  8. No name - Alam mong moment of truth na ng bida kapag sinabi na niya yung title ng pelikula.
  9. No name - Sasayaw sa likod ng puno ng buko pag nasa beach yung scene. Alternate pa yung mga ulo nila.
  10. Joey Tribbiani - Yung nakababatang kapatid ng bida habang naglalaro ng bola, mabibitawan at mapupunta sa gitna ng kalsada. Tapos may darating na sasakyan, tapos itutulak siya ng bida. Yung bida naman ang nasa gita ng kalsada. Biglang may sasakyang darating. Ang bida, ico-cross lang niya arms niya covering his face tapos sisigaw yung kapatd ng ‘kuyaaa!’. Next scene nasa ospital na sila. Simula na ng drama.
  11. Pasti - Kapag bakbakan, hindi nasasaktan ang bida, pero umaaray siya pag ginagamot na siya ng leading lady, at kasunod na ang love scene.
  12. No name - Kapag may sinabi ng kontrabida ang masama niyang plano sa bida, ang sasabihin ng bida: “hayop ka!”
  13. Dreamweaver - Ang bidang babae, pag katulong ang role, siguradong magiging anak ng amo niya sa ending.
  14. Jose De Vengenge - Laging sa Fairview pag may car chase scene.
  15. prettywhenpinched - Ang nanay ng mayaman laging may pamaypay na pangmayaman, at ang nanay ng mahirap laging naka duster.
  16. Tracey/Lexy - Ang mga bida sa drama, pag nakatanggap ng masamang balita, laging may pinto sa likod nila para puwede silang sumandal habang nagsa-slide dahan-dahan pababa, tapos todo iyak with matching uhog.
  17. No name - In a love triangle, the less popular actor of the 2 vying for the leading lady, will either die, go to prison, go abroad, or gives in na lang.
  18. Jack Borrowing - Pag di nahuli ng mga goons ang bida, sasabihin ng boss sa kanila, “Mga inutil!”
  19. Espong - Sa comedy movie pag may patay, laging may bulak sa ilong.
  20. Lilith - Laging mas maganda ang yayang bida kesa sa kontrabidang anak ng amo niya.
  21. Jose de vengenge - Ang tawag ng kontrabida sa mga goons niya, “Mga bata.”
  22. Avatar- Pag ang ending ng movie ay song and dance number sa beach o resort, ang huling frame, tatalon ang buong cast…sabay freeze.
  23. Jun13/Your Highness - Laging nakakapulot ng baril na may bala ang bida kapag kinakailangan niya.
  24. Jinky Doo - Sa pinoy movie, after the rape scene, makikita mong naka-panty pa rin ang biktima.
  25. Jerome - Ang hideout ng kontrabida, parating mansion na may chicks sa pool.
  26. Super tikoy - Pag horror movie, yung mga halimaw parang gawa sa gulaman.
  27. Jose de vengenge - Pag car chase scene, laging may mababangga na patong-patong na kahon, o kaya kariton, o kaya fruitstand.
  28. Your Highness - Marunong gumamit ng baril at asintado ang leading lady, kahit unang bese palang siya nakakahawak nito sa buong buhay niya!
  29. The Dark Passenger - Pag Seiko Films during the late 80’s/early 90’s, laging may kanta ng Michael Learns To Rock.
  30. Glenneth - Ang pancit, nagdadala ng malas. Uuwi ang bida na may dalang pancit sa kanyang nanay na si Anita Linda. Tatawagin nito ang mga bata para kumain, at kakamustahin ng bida ang pag-aaral habang kumakain ng pancit. Biglang may titigil na sasakyan sa harap ng bahay at pauulanan ng baril ang pamilya! Mamamatay si Anita Linda, at sisigaw ang bida ng “Inaaay!” at mangangakong ipaghihiganti ito. Moral lesson: Ang pancit, nakakamatay.

Favorite Joke

A funny joke I still can’t stop recalling:

Misis:   Hon, magpapadagdag ako ng boobs.

Mister:  Ikaw! Kung kaya mo ba na tatlo ang suso mo eh!

Padala 2

Because one of my sisters remit money from the US and my other two sisters remit money from Japan , Tem and I decided to combine our remittance from Dubai and called Nanay, “Nay, nakuha n’yo na padala namin sa banko?”

“Oo,” she answered, “Siguro nandun na ‘yun.”